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| Hai there.
It's been a long time since I've posted.
Mostly because I've been busy.
This is a good thing though.
I can't possibly recall everything I've done. I have an essay to complete and math HW to finish before I go off to sleep.
Then to study the rest of the week on various topics, complete other HWs, and beat games. And spend time with my girlfriend, Tram. Same person since July 6th, 2008.
Yup. Life has been busy.
But I like it a lot. No more streak of boring time. Always something to do, and those are rare times in your life.
In Hunter College now. Currently going for an MA in Math, and BA in Comp Sci at the same time. If I work like hell I can do it in 4 years.
Let's aim for the moon.
Quote of the Day:"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
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| I guess I haven't given much thought to a Xanga, being it 5 months or so since I posted.
I'm not quite sure how to say about any update in my life. I mean, I'm still with my girlfriend from before, I'm still in High School. I guess I changed mentally yet again.
I've had this... interesting yet dangerous mentality. I go through things not caring about why I do so. Consciously at least. I mean, I go to school for most my day, and I do what? I don't talk to anyone, I barely learn anything. Why would I bother going at all? I don't ask myself this, because I don't hate school at all. I seriously go wide awake, and just... do nothing for 7 hours. It's dreadful. However I'm not a mindless drone in the idea that I realize this, and I question it. Deeply. I'm not sure how to respond to those questions either. A deeper view would say that I'm doing it for my future/survival. Alright, true I guess. But I've got other more private examples that can't really rock my future too much... I should be PANICKING about something at this moment, and I'm not, at all. Essentially because I have all possible bases covered, but I should still be worried from a human point of view, right?
I think I've become robotic with emotions. Not decisions, I still have choice, or at least a very nicely presented illusion of choice, but I think I'm smart enough to see through that if it existed. It's just the emotions behind actions have become somewhat dead to me. What I feel is an almost permanent feeling of happiness. I don't get jock-type angry, I don't get frustrated over things. If something (or most of the time, someone) frustrates me, I ignore it and it seriously stops frustrating me. I don't know if I've gone mad, or become the ultimate master of one's own emotions.
Weird times, man.
Either way, I've been playing WoW the past months, and I've stopped for the past two weeks (and if you know when WotLK came out, you'd see that's weird). I've been busy with schoolwork and Chrono Trigger DS.
Let me tell you. It was so nice to play Chrono Trigger again.
But alas, I have nothing great to say, no super event, or if there was one, it's completely leaving my mind right now. (I don't put it beyond me for that to occur)
Quote of the Day:"Give me where to stand, and I will move the earth." | | |
| Well I haven't slept in 37-38 hours and I probably won't for any time soon. Thought I might as well make an entry.
So a lot has happened. I, still don't have a job. I, somehow, have an amazing girlfriend. I really didn't see it as probable, but it happened. Lucky break. My life is, a freaking bliss right now.
Funny thing, I asked her out a couple of years ago, she said yes, it obviously broke down, then we meet up years later, become friends again, and, become, unprecedentedly attracted to each other. >.>;
And, you can stop reading there, that's big enough an update. Unless I fill you in on meaningless details. Who is you anyway? Who do I write this for? Fuck you, sleep deprived brain.
(1:32:18 AM) Ekips: I just needed someone to talk to so I can possibly cure my insomnia
(1:32:29 AM) Ekips: I'm pretty much having a great time
(1:32:33 AM) Ekips: in life in general
(1:32:37 AM) Ekips: but last night I couldn't go to sleep
(1:32:47 AM) Ekips: I stared up in the ceiling, or at the walls, for 6 hours straight
(1:33:03 AM) Ekips: not a single thought went through my mind
(1:33:09 AM) Ekips: not one =X
(1:33:33 AM) Ekips: Do you usually think yourself to sleep or am I just special? <.<
(1:34:41 AM) Ekips: I probably did that all wrong <.<
(1:35:16 AM) Betty: thats strange
(1:36:08 AM) Ekips: You don't think yourself to sleep? >.>
(1:36:15 AM) Ekips: Maaaaaan...
(1:36:58 AM) Ekips: I really am extremely different from absolutely everyone.
Every night I have to overwork my brain till it can't handle the thinking and then I sleep
(1:37:11 AM) Betty: that makes sense
(1:37:16 AM) Betty: thats just a very interesting route to take
(1:37:23 AM) Betty: its hard to fall asleep until youre entirely tuckered out
(1:37:27 AM) Betty: and when you dont have physical activity
(1:37:32 AM) Betty: your mental activity acts up
(1:37:34 AM) Betty: so that makes perfect sense
(1:37:39 AM) Betty: i meant the blanking out thing was strange
(1:37:45 AM) Ekips: oh
(1:38:20 AM) Ekips: I was sleeping with my girlfriend right next to me. That could have been distracting...
But still, why didn't I have any thoughts? At least of her, to put me to sleep?
(1:38:33 AM) Ekips: like I just hugged my pillow pretending it was her, and I went to sleep
(1:38:41 AM) Ekips: and then, absolutely nothing
(1:38:54 AM) Ekips: and now I haven't slept in over 24 hours, probably 36 by now
(1:39:32 AM) Ekips: and I can't. I try to go to sleep and I can't, my memories and imagination are so great and in detail that they make me move physically in some way
(1:39:44 AM) Ekips: I'm going insane
(1:41:01 AM) Betty: yeah thatll do it alex
(1:41:04 AM) Betty: well
(1:41:06 AM) Betty: when someones next to you
(1:41:10 AM) Betty: and you REALLY like them
(1:41:12 AM) Betty: you tend to get self conscious
(1:41:14 AM) Betty: and when youre self conscious
(1:41:19 AM) Betty: your thoughts cant flow
(1:41:23 AM) Betty: because self consciousness tends to restrict
(1:41:25 AM) Betty: as opposed to support
(1:41:27 AM) Betty: THUS
(1:41:30 AM) Betty: all you probably thought about
(1:41:33 AM) Betty: was how you werent thinking about anyhting
(1:41:35 AM) Betty: and that would explain it
(1:41:42 AM) Ekips: =(
(1:41:44 AM) Ekips: god damnit
(1:41:56 AM) Ekips: so my conscious analysis about my subconscious was right
(1:42:05 AM) Ekips: I still can't comprehend someone being attracted to me
(1:42:07 AM) Betty: hahaha
(1:42:09 AM) Betty: awww you have emotions
(1:42:10 AM) Betty: this is cute
(1:42:13 AM) Betty: and youre not used to handling them
(1:42:24 AM) Ekips: =C
(1:42:26 AM) Betty: hahaha
(1:42:27 AM) Betty: ask her then
(1:42:38 AM) Ekips: you're actually right
(1:42:42 AM) Ekips: I didn't have emotions before
(1:42:53 AM) Ekips: I did things purely mechanically
(1:42:56 AM) Betty: orly
(1:42:57 AM) Betty: hadnt noticed
(1:42:58 AM) Betty: XD
(1:43:01 AM) Ekips: I didn't feel sad, I felt artificially happy
(1:43:02 AM) Ekips: etc
(1:43:11 AM) Betty: i didnt call you on it a number of times either
(1:43:12 AM) Ekips: people I was attracted to wasn't big
(1:43:15 AM) Ekips: XD
(1:43:19 AM) Ekips: yes yes
(1:43:25 AM) Ekips: and now I'm like
(1:43:27 AM) Ekips: holy crap
(1:43:29 AM) Ekips: I feel something
(1:43:30 AM) Ekips: and yes, I KNOW she likes me
(1:43:59 AM) Ekips: it's... I don't know
(1:44:00 AM) Ekips: =O
(1:44:15 AM) Ekips: I mean, I really really know. So why was I still self-conscious then?
(1:45:43 AM) Betty: preservation? ^___^
(1:45:53 AM) Betty: preservation mechanisms
(1:45:57 AM) Betty: feelings of inadequacy like youre having now
(1:45:58 AM) Ekips: hmmmmm... maybe
(1:46:00 AM) Betty: even though youre sure
(1:46:01 AM) Betty: :D
(1:46:06 AM) Betty: "sure"
(1:46:12 AM) Ekips: 'sure'
(1:46:17 AM) Ekips: Because you know
(1:46:35 AM) Ekips: her saying "Why do I like you so damn much?" isn't being sure
(1:47:00 AM) Ekips: and then proceeding to smothering you with kisses =|
(1:47:13 AM) Ekips: I'm about 75% sure
(1:54:03 AM) Ekips: alright betty, you better get you to sleep
(1:54:05 AM) Ekips: =P
(1:54:32 AM) Betty: ahaha
(1:54:36 AM) Betty: thats her being insecure abuot HERSELF
(1:54:39 AM) Betty: actually
(1:54:53 AM) Betty: you should be more worried if she said I LIKE YOU than THAT
(1:54:59 AM) Betty: because thats the kindof denial that makes girls obsessed ^___^
(1:55:34 AM) Ekips: If she said "I like you" than what she said? =O
(1:55:44 AM) Ekips: She can be obsessed over me, it's okay
(1:55:49 AM) Betty: haha
(1:55:49 AM) Ekips: I'm infatuated with her
(1:55:52 AM) Ekips: =P
(1:55:55 AM) Betty: yeaaaaah
(1:56:48 AM) Ekips: But she said something that set me off <.<
(1:57:06 AM) Ekips: she said at one point "I'm probably going to regret all this in the future"
(1:57:12 AM) Ekips: I was like woah woah woah
(1:57:21 AM) Ekips: what exactly does that mean?
(1:58:50 AM) Ekips: Alex's analytical knowledge leans toward either A) Her being uncomfortable with something right now, or regretting something right now, or B) Her being afraid my interest in her will die out while hers still goes. Likelyhood points to A
(2:00:35 AM) Ekips: Also, it might be the 38 hours lacked sleep talking, but I miss you Betty. Friend-wise. =[
(2:00:46 AM) Ekips: I haven't seen you in over a god damn year
(2:01:09 AM) Betty: oh no
(2:01:09 AM) Ekips: I think close to 2
(2:01:11 AM) Betty: that doesnt sound good
(2:01:13 AM) Betty: oh well! :D
(2:01:19 AM) Ekips: what doesn't sound good?
(2:01:23 AM) Ekips: 38 hrs sleep
(2:01:25 AM) Ekips: or what she said?
(2:02:07 AM) Betty: both! but i meant the latter
(2:02:29 AM) Ekips: yeah, I don't really know what she means by it
(2:02:46 AM) Ekips: I tried asking her give me a situation in which you'd regret it
(2:02:51 AM) Ekips: but she couldn't >.>
(2:03:02 AM) Ekips: so I guess it's my job to make her not regret anything?
(2:03:55 AM) Ekips: but it's odd
(2:03:57 AM) Ekips: it's like
(2:04:10 AM) Ekips: she's always "I'm so luckyyyyyyy" (referring to us being together)
(2:05:15 AM) Ekips: and calls me cute, smart, and nice (nice in a good way, not in a 'Oh, he's a nice guy. Let's go back to the hotel so you can meet my jerk boyfriend'), and today when I wet my hair and styled it she was amazed and called me hot >.>; (which, I never so much as even considered possible)
(2:05:31 AM) Ekips: it's an inconsistency in logic in my eyes
(2:06:02 AM) Ekips: it can be paranoia, doubt, and insecurity leading her to believe that the rationale of it is that we're going to break up and that she'll be really hurt and wish it never happened
(2:06:12 AM) Ekips: but even if that happens... I say it's worth the experience
(2:06:18 AM) Ekips: love lost, never have loved, etc
(2:11:49 AM) Betty: i agree with most of that
(2:11:56 AM) Betty: most teenagers especially girls
(2:11:58 AM) Betty: are insecure
(2:12:01 AM) Betty: she sounds like a sweet one
(2:12:07 AM) Betty: shes probably suffered some pain in past relationships
(2:12:14 AM) Ekips: I'm her first boyfriend.
(2:12:19 AM) Ekips: <.<
And as of the post it's still going on.
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| I've missed out on a lot of things in life.
The experiences with friends would be the biggest part of what I'm talking about.
Something as simple as going out sometimes, on WILD adventures, you just, drive, or go somewhere, and go crazy, or crash over someone's house, literally crash, not go over or spend the night or something. Man, I'm not even going to my school's prom.
That's why I know so many god damn things, because I don't have the experiences normal people do. I mean, I can observe things, and absorb them, and understand them, but I'd still like to experience them...
Yak, really, I'll take you up on your offer, I'll come to Philly man, bring my guitar, we can jam, we can hang out. I need something to do to break away from my monotony, at least for a while. A relationship isn't freaking likely, so what else do I have? I'm sure as hell not turning to drugs.
Maybe I need to be addicted to Starcraft again... but with SC2 coming out, it seems my gaming with SC is put to a pause, completely.
I was seeing photos of Yak, and some of my old friends, and tears came to my eyes. I don't have that. I don't have a picture of myself for 4 years or so. Maybe more. It's not cool.
Quote of the day:"That way I wouldn't have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody. If anybody wanted to tell me something they'd have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me. They'd get bored as hell doing that after a while, and then I'd be through with having conversations for the rest of my life"
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| It's been far too long, man, and that's mostly my fault for being lazy.
Summer's here, school is out, and I just made a 6 page entry in my "thought entry book" (A journal/log of thoughts) about a metaphor for every relationship possible, it's genius. I also read the rest of it, and realized I didn't give the reader background information between me and my current potential girlfriend, so I did that. I also then made a possibility of how I could be god. Check it out. If I was god, I'd get bored eventually, and come down to see (with wiped memories) if the evils of the world and the materialistic nature of everything gets to me. Sounds like something I'd do. Am I still atheist then? Hehe.
And you won't read this, but thank you Yak. As I've said before (here or not), the people who don't ask for something are probably those who need it most.
The past months have been... dull. At least activity wise. I mean, I practically have done nothing, only avidly gamed, and slept. What the hell. I spent more time sleeping this year than ever. Even when I was 10 I spent 5 hours a day max sleeping. Damn.
I'm sorry but I don't feel like typing up 6 pages again. Maybe when I'm older, and move out in an attempt to live life how I want it, and then am single for a while, and maybe depression hits me, I'll start writing a book to keep me somewhat normal.
If you're ever on, I'll take you up on your offer Yak. You know where I am if you ever need to contact me.
I just need to take care of things. Right now I'm at a plateau, so I either need to climb up, or fall down. Can't stay here forever, and I enjoyed the scenery long enough.
Quote of the Day:"See you, space cowboy"
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